sheer

motivation for the upcoming finals, must be the holidays. must be.

Or is it the thought of days off from college is what that matters most?

=(

so

much to say, if and only I can finish studying tonight, then I'll definitely say..OUT LOUD.

p/s:

last Sunday : yummies =)

I am,

I am, I am, I am, so stressed out now.

As I rolled my tongue, running it through my mouth wall, to my utter shock, there were quite a number of ulcers found and each time whenever I want to talk, I need to like manually pulled my upper lip up with my finger so that it is not in contact with my gum to ease the pain. wth.

Yesterday itself, I had difficulty in falling asleep as questions kept on popping out from my brain; requiring answers that I could barely come out with. I got so frustrated that I woke up right away and found myself reaching out for my textbook, fliped it open and started reading again the next minute.

I finally fell asleep at 4.30 am and woke up to numerous self-asked questions this morning. =(

weekend I love

I am feeling so good now. Probably the weekend's here and everyone will be having days off which means I dont have to stay home all alone, wondering what to do the next hour or so. Aunt will be coming over to cook me lunch tomorrow, cousins came back too, had a way too long conversation with my aunt when I should be studying. AND finally, I found the first person saying that she loves european countries more than japan. teeheeeeeee!!

think of switzerland, france, austria.. *faint, die, faint again*
wonder who wont.

Apparently, in the vicinity of Mt Fuji, there is a place for people to commit suicide, and the government even set up a telephone booth which enable them to call home before they're gone for life. strange totally. Here, it's like: you better make sure you are dead in your attempt to commit suicide, else, there you go into the prison for 2 years. damn pity eh..

P/s: This post is writtten half way and I am v sleepy now, so thats all lar .. off to bed. =)

a friend of mine =)

Nearly tripped and fell for twice, at one same spot just now. People repeat the same old mistake, don’t they?

Even if they don't, at least I know I do.

And I will never forget who I am. =) Bin you go, identity crisis.

Had a long chat with eena. We are still like how we used to be. Neither of us had grown nor transformed into grumpy ladies. The slightest change is perhaps the fact that we no longer call each other s-holes now. I seriously miss they way we addressed each other, like how the prefix for good morning was s-holes. Remembered there was this one period of time when she thought that going to 7-eleven when clock struck 12am was nice or when both of us enjoyed going to the dirtiest place to queue up for the sake of a plate of char kuey teow at night, when maximum stress level drove us nuts.

I like how unpredictable she is, she never change! Always assume that I got dumped by people or kept reminding me that I am fatter now. Damn dislike larr. And let me clarify once again, my bf didnt say that I put on extra weight, and I didnt get dumped! It was a mutual thing months back. aha, not saying this because I am kiasu, but it's the fact. And we still contact each other once in a while, it's just that we are not as chatty as last time. Still, if I got dumped or I dumped him, we wont be in talking terms right? see, proved you wrong already.

And about the issue of gaining extra weight, I'll definitely come out with a way to defend myself. so, you watch out k! =P

Me and eene loves. =)

Yet again,

I am scared of living life.

I think I am suffering from identity crisis. =`(

ambiguity

Sometimes I run out of things to say, not because I have got no topic, but most of the time it’s either I am left speechless or I am too tired of explaining. Basically, I just hate to talk nowadays, which I don’t feel like me anymore.
.
I was upset yesterday, somehow, I know I should not let things like this to get in my way because I am a grown up now. I should be able to handle stuff on my own, especially over small issues. Instead, I stood all day in my room, feeling depressed as loneliness puts me on the verge of breaking down into tears. Sis wasn’t back yet. I wasn’t ready to seek for my lil cousin’s brother’s opinion, for the reason that I am supposed to be the elder one, mentally wise to the least. Mum was probably busy with work. Aunt was deep in her sleep. While, I locked myself in my room, did heaps of thinking and scrutinized the message over and over again. Suddenly, it’s as though I was the only one living with an over exhausted brain that needed no reason to work and sleep/rest, at all.
.
Ok, maybe I should even consider to tell the little boy since he is a good listener but expecting a piece of advice from him just doesn’t sound right. In fact, I wasn’t even in the mood of talking or sharing my problem. Maybe I was too lazy to blurt out everything from the beginning which I had difficulty in recalling every bits of it or maybe I was just too hooked up in speeding up my thinking process to obtain the reasons.
.
To make it even more sorrowful, the torrential rain brought about wind that penetrated deep into the bone, evoking nothing, but memory after memory, that came gushing non-stop. I wish I am never a trouble but an antidote for sadness for everyone. I wanted to call my mum to ask what I should do next, but I didn’t wish to sadden her just in case I couldn’t contain my emotion and ended up crying. I wanted to talk to my sis, but I didn’t know where to start, and she will always side me, leaving me without any solution. I punched in his number, but he didn’t answer and as he returned my call, I refused to tell.
.
I am now trapped in deciding how to cope up with life and be nice to everyone without considering my feelings. I feel like a kid again, living in ambiguity.

Perhaps,

if you ever take some time to understand me as a friend, you wouldn’t be demanding for an explanation from me, because in my life, I don't see the point to explain if I am not on the wrong. Instead of asking me to explain, I reckon you to take some time off, to look into the past, judge and evaluate your own doings.